ShouldaWouldaCoulda

The first time I truly understood the subjunctive was in my high school french class. What I understood was that I hated french, because of the subjunctive. It took two forms. That's twice as much effort, and as your usual high schooler, I deemed my efforts more valuable if focused on picking blackheads. 

Let's do the time warp again, to present day. I have a basic understanding of the french vocabulary, some surface scarring in my t-zone, and a very stubborn persistence to not lament. I'll put up with some annoyances, but if there's a problem, then it's gotta get fixed, otherwise I'm listening to y'all wine, or worse, myself. Have a headache? Take some medicine. Ripped your pants? Sew 'em up.  Have a blackhead? Pick it. Have a scar from picking your blackhead? Exfoliate and get over it.

But, wait. Life isn't that easy. What if I'm super sad because what I could have done is now what I should have done, and what I had done is not what I wish I would have done? These problems are the ones that aren't based on fact. They're the problems that remain in my past, haunting me, and filling me with shame. They're the troubles that worry me about the future, or better understood as the unknown. They're the voices in my head that I have to listen to on top of what's happening in reality, because I have experienced the really awful times in my past and am only perceiving my future to repeat what's already been revealed. 

Stop. Breathe. Be here now. 

The past can not be changed, and the future is not promised. I know, because I use my magic 8 ball when I'm stuck in traffic to pass the time, and it's not always right (but when it is, it's never when I want it to be). What I'm saying is that if you want to be at your happiest, and I should hope you would, then change your present. Think about what needs to altered now. Treat the emotional predicaments as fact. Of course, feel your feelings, but remember to let go. Really sad? Feel it so you know what happiness is by contrast, and then release it. Really angry? Express that in a healthy and constructive way. Need to be a little self destructive because you just have that craving for the ease that is commiseration? You're human (maybe not, I don't know who's reading this) and sometimes it's ok to be a little selfish. I'm learning this. I'm learning that these are the simple solutions, and courage is all it takes. 

I think about this more often than not, and now all the time, as my past has caused me to make some changes about my present, and my future is more than uncertain. It's easy to let the depression of feeling such heavy darkness fully flatten my existence, into a two dimensional loneliness. 

Then my best friend (my mom) sent me this video. To close a circular pilgrimage, the person in this video is Phuk Tran, and he owns the tattoo shop at which I received my first tattoo. My mother and I both got tattoos of flowers accompanied by script. In an attempt to enlighten my first ink session, and knowing I was very depressed, I drew myself a poppy with the word "healing" in greek. Now here I am, a being invisible to the human eye, watching Phuk Tran tell me I am not alone, and that if I eliminate the shouldawouldacoulda from my thought process, I shallwillcan be much happier.